OLD STANDARDS
Methotrexate Martini
A traditional dry vodka martini with a methotrexate finish. Mellow out the evening and round your rough joints by calming your immune system. It may cause bloody vomit, increased heartbeat, or trouble breathing, like many concoctions.
Plaquenil Blanc
Perfect for balmy summer days. It will help with malaria and parasitic in-laws, or fevers from hot dates. While serious side effects are rare, these may cause nausea and diarrhea, so stay near a bathroom.
Sloe Sulfasalazine
Beautiful red of sloe gin combines with the spice of sulfa, guaranteeing a passionate evening. These may lead to infertility (thankfully reversible) or true mood killers, like headaches or nausea.
BARTENDER SPECIALTIES
Rituxan Revenge
Like any good rum drink, it may cause blurred vision, confusion, fruit-like breath odor, headache, increased urination, nausea, and potentially seizures unalleviated by switching to water.
Kevzara Kamikaze
Our version is adapted to be the perfect tiki drink with a pineapple wedge, a shot of citrus, and a drink umbrella. A tropical vacation experience with bloody, black, or tarry stools, pale skin ulcers, sores, or white spots in the mouth.
Xeljanz Fizz
A traditional Gin Fizz base with a splash of Xeljanz for a unique flavor. A highball that keeps your spirits elevated. Too many could lead to upper respiratory tract infections or cold-like symptoms, but thankfully you won’t be contagious.
AFTER DINNER
Mulled Olumiant
A spiced, warm red wine that accentuates every sexy hairy toss while listening to our live jazz. Also, makes your increased risk of blood clots, cancer, and death easier to swallow. Perfect for repurposing alopecia as a memento mori moment.
Saphnelo Americano
This is the drink for you if you’re a fan of supremely overpriced coffee. With hints of bergamot and cloves, it can enhance your evening look with hives, blistering skin, and swelling of your lips, tongue, or throat that makeup won’t hide.
CHRISTA FAIRBROTHER is a Florida-based author who lives with a chronic illness.