Finding Time
JILLIAN PETERS
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A new patient lives in Room 5
Alone, uneasy
Sitting in silence on sterile sheets
He doesn’t know if he trusts me yet
It’s okay – in this ward, they always come around
He seems shaken by the hospital sounds
This too will change, in time
Time, that tricky, slippery companion
Is running out for my new patient
“Do patients like me survive?” He asks
Brave-faced but weary
I want to say yes, that time is on his side
But we both know it’s not
Last week, Room 5 had another occupant
Her name was Cheryl
We did everything we could for Cheryl
But in this ward, everything is often not enough
For the three months Cheryl was here
A beacon of sunshine spilled out of Room 5
She sang every morning
Conducting her imagined orchestra with ancient hands
She’d say the most comical things
There were Cheryl stories each night
After work around the dinner table
“Mommy, when can we meet the funny lady?”
I told them I didn’t think it was such a good idea
By the end, there was only a shell of Cheryl
And then she passed, with family crowded around her
Family, and me
And then, it was quiet
They left together to grieve; I had to tend to my other patients
I stayed alone in Room 5 for a minute, gazing at the empty bed
Cheryl’s nurse dropped in with a pat on the back
“There will be other Cheryls.”
That day, and the next,
I found myself crying in the only minutes I had to myself
Scattered throughout the day,
Within the cold confines of khaki-colored bathroom stalls
Just a few tears, wiped away before seeing the next patient
In the car on the way home, I was forced to face myself
I had never noticed just how grey the upholstery was
I dug through the pile of CDs and popped in the only one I wanted to hear:
Cheryl’s favorite song, on repeat the whole way home
On the first repetition, I cried
On the second, I sang
The new patient in Room 5 has no family
I’ll befriend him – I always do
Hurts too much to see them go it alone
By the end, he’ll be another Cheryl
More tears, surrounded by khaki walls
The same song on the car radio
Driving that same road to nowhere
Watching the cars pass
Watching the lives pass
Fighting the fight against death’s indifference