In order to receive your license to practice psychiatry you will have 45 minutes to answer correctly at least eight of the ten questions below. Be forewarned, cheating will not be tolerated! Before you begin, here are a few tips you may find useful: Sigmund Freud was a notorious gossip. Leonardo da Vinci had ADHD. Joan of Arc had an eating disorder. Prior to starting you are allowed to swallow one or both of the Xanax tablets inside the cellophane packet that has been placed on top of the exam. Good luck and Godspeed.

 

1. The literary canon would most likely have been enriched if:

a) Virginia Woolf had been on a daily dose of Paxil.

b) Robert Lowell had been taking Lithium.

c) David Foster Wallace had been taking Wellbutrin and was exercising regularly.

d) Sylvia Plath had received a monthly intravenous infusion of Ketamine.

 

2. The world of visual art would most likely have been enriched if:

a) Vincent Van Gogh had been on a daily cocktail of Thorazine, Valium and Tegretol.

b) Edvard Munch had been given electroconvulsive therapy treatments every six months.

c) Jean Michel Basquiat had been on Methadone and taking Cymbalta.

d) Jackson Pollock had been taking Zoloft and ingested Antabuse whenever he had the urge to drink.

 

3. World War II would most likely have been averted if Adolf Hitler had been: 

a) on daily doses of Thorazine and Librium.

b) on daily doses of Lithium and Zyprexa.

c) psychoanalyzed by Sigmund Freud.

d) receiving anger management behavior therapy.

 

4. World War III will most likely be averted if: 

a) Kim Jong Un is on a daily dose of an antipsychotic drug and undergoes intensive anger management behavior therapy.

b) Vladimir Putin undergoes psychoanalysis and eliminates sugar from his diet.

c) a and b

 

5. In all likelihood Adam and Eve would not have been expelled from the Garden of Eden if: 

a) Adam had been taking Adderall.

b) Eve had been taking Zoloft.

c) The snake had been taking Ritalin.

d) a and c

 

6. Rip Van Winkle would not have slept for 20 years if before going to sleep he had:

a) swallowed a tab of Halcion instead a flask of liquor.

b) regularly used Benadryl to induce drowsiness.

c) been a conscientious practitioner of transcendental meditation.

d) drank multiple cans of a highly caffeinated beverage.

 

7. Goldilocks would not have fallen asleep in the bed of the three bears if she had:

a) taken Ambien the previous evening and got a good night’s sleep.

b) seen a doctor about her sleep apnea.

c) attended her sleep hygiene classes.

d) mastered autohypnosis as a cure for her chronic insomnia.

 

8. The witch would not have attempted to kill Hansel and Gretel if:

a) she had been on a low-fat, salt-restricted diet.

b) Gretel had been treated for her borderline personality with dialectical behavior therapy.

c) Hansel had been treated for his OCD with medication and cognitive behavioral therapy.

d) Hansel and Gretel had cleansed their chakras prior to entering the forest.

 

9. Little Red Riding Hood would not have killed the wolf if she had:

a) not abused steroids to the point that by the time she slaughtered the poor beast she weighed 350 pounds and was a raging hulk of solid muscle.

b) rid herself of repressed rage by having undergone intensive psychoanalysis.

c) been mellowed out on a cocktail of Ativan and Elavil.

d) not tried to stop smoking a week earlier by going cold turkey.

 

10. It is unlikely that Cinderella would have been abused by her stepmother and stepsisters if she had: 

a) received assertive training.

b) been a practitioner of yoga. 

c) been a devotee of Scientology.

d) eaten less red meat and more dark chocolate.